3.26. Coping

Roisin –

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Losing daddy was hard. Really hard. It was like a devastating blow to me really. It was as if I was almost incompetent dealing with grief. Losing a husband was like a pinprick, I mean after so many divorces, you subconsciously became numb to it, but losing daddy was traumatising. Daddy had always been a part of me. I guess it would be a very long time before I can get over him.

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Speaking of (ex)husbands, Robert and I finally filed for divorce. We had been estranged for quite a while but never got round initiating the process because of daddy. He was in frail health back then and I didn’t want to aggravate him.

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Sometimes I wondered how we ended this way. I remembered we were so much in love back then. Love at first sight. But it seemed, feelings faded over time. I knew people would speculate how much I got out of this marriage, but really, does it matter anymore? After a while, money didn’t matter as much as it used to. It gets to me though, sometimes, like is there something wrong with me? Or why it seems my ex husbands just can’t wait to get rid of me?

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I remembered daddy used to tell me to get a grip on my life. When I first divorced Dan. How I wished he would reproach me again. But unfortunately, he never would. All that was left of him were just ashes. He’s at peace now, I think, some place with grandpapa and grandmama. Sometimes I do contemplate about life you know? There are comings, and there are goings. From ashes to ashes…how fragile life is.

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I knew mommy was grieving too, though she tried hard not to show it. She even tried to comfort me. I wished I had the strength to, someday.

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The fondest memory I had of daddy was him standing in front of the easel. Painting. So lost in thought. It seemed painting was his life. Daddy once said it was therapeutic. I could never comprehend what he said, or why he said, not until now. It seemed painting really did help taking away those messed up emotions.

Looking back at my life, I thought I had accomplished everything I had set out to. Though sometimes, oddly, I felt unsatisfied. Like as if I’m missing out something. What? I didn’t know. It was one of those indescribable feelings I had really. Perhaps a sip of wine would help clear my mind.

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I feel I had done my part for the legacy. Now it is up to my children to inherit it. They’re lovely children, I think. They never gave me too much problems, if you discount Lance’s temporary shenanigans. He’s all right now, I think, since I never received another email or letter or call from the school. It’s a pity I wasn’t closer to them, unlike how close I was to daddy. But I suppose, it was a tradeoff I presume. I wanted the best for them, and I knew everything I did was really for their own good. It’s okay enough I think.

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