4.9. Unexpected (Too)

Lucielle –

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Alright, where to start? I don’t know. My head’s in a mess right down. I think I may be losing my marbles soon. I keep telling myself to calm down, but then, how do you expect me to calm the plum down knowing that I’m expecting?

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Pregnant. That’s what Doc told me. Remember that doctor Roisin called over? She ran me through a series of tests… For a second I thought I was struck with some malady, but then, her lips curved upwards and told me “congratulations!”.

For what? I thought. I wished I didn’t have to hear the latter part. Yeah, pregnant. How do you expect me to deal with such a lead balloon? I’m just not ready for a child. Not now at least. Probably never. I just… for a lack of better words, don’t like children. I don’t know what else to say. I know people are expecting me to have a motherly glow and beam oh-how-proud am I to be a mum soon but unfortunately, I’m not feeling it.

Count yourself lucky if I don’t freak out in front of you. I’m pretty prone to snapping these days. Like they said, hormones.

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And it’s not helping that I’m gaining weight like mad. No thanks to my body’s sudden weird preference of food. I don’t get it either. I had always been carb-adverse but now, it seemed I couldn’t keep any other food down other than carbs. You know, ramen, spaghetti, pancakes, all that fattening stuff?

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That other day I tried to eat healthy, but it seemed my body won’t hear of it. I barely had a bite of the avocado salad before I had to make a dash for the toilet… I shall spare you the details.

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I’ve tried to keep some of the weight down. Although it’s not very effective it seems. Especially the only exercise I’m allowed to do is swimming, at least that’s what the doc said. “Don’t strain yourself, and the baby”. Yea right, how do you expect me to lose weight like this?

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Not to mention, the 101 unholy problems I had to deal with. Like constant backaches.

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Or nausea… in the middle of the night of all times! I nearly forgot the last time I’ve had a good night’s sleep.

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And for some reason, the baby’s fond of kicking me. Some people told me I should be glad, because it goes to show the baby’s healthy and active, but why never once did they consider the inconvenience it brings to me? Call me selfish but… I’m a human too.

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Expecting me to give up everything for my baby? I’m sorry but I really can’t bring myself to do it. You know, if you don’t love yourself, who else will? -innocent shrug- You know, even I’m having doubts of whether will I really be a good mum?

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Lance has been trying to make things better for me. Like giving me constant back massages because believe me, my shoulders have been hurting like a bitch. Which I’m very grateful of course.

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He has been nothing but tender and loving…

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But again, I couldn’t help thinking what if the baby arrives? Like wouldn’t Lance have his attention divided between the baby and me? Sometimes I’m really selfish like that I suppose, I just wish I could have his undivided attention.

What if, just what if, our relationship drastically changed because of the baby?

At all fronts, I’m just not ready to be a mum.

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Even though the family (especially Lance’s) are all on cloud nine. Like grandmama Delia for one. She couldn’t be happier of the fact she’s becoming a great grandma soon. It’s heartwarming to see her still full of vigour, despite her age.

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So is Roisin. At times it seemed like she’s the one expecting the baby. Can you believe it? She’s more anxious than I would ever be. I’m pretty sure she bombard the doc with phone calls everyday.

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And even Lance has been prepping himself for the fatherhood thing, with his niece Dina (Lincoln’s daughter).

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It seems everyone’s excited about the baby. Except me. It might be because they aren’t the ones carrying it.

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I’m confused really. It’s as if I could freak out anytime. I mean, despite not having strong motherly instincts like I “should”, a baby’s still a life isn’t it? Like it’s my responsibility and such to raise him all happy and healthy..? I might be self-centred, but I’m not totally emotionless you know? It’s just that, I don’t know what to feel about it anymore.

And right now, I just wished to get the baby out of me asap. Everything else  can wait, right?

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